Healing hearts
by KerryAnne
Summary: Reeling after Splinter's death and Mona Lisa's aloofness, Raphael makes an unlikely ally. Will Alopex be the one to mend his broken heart and spirit?
1. Hope

_An injured Raphael stood next to April on the roof top and yelled, "Ya did it, Sensei. He's gone. Shredder's gone."_

 _"_ _My family," Splinter said and smiled._

 _"_ _Look out!" Don screamed from down below, where he stood with Leo and Casey._

 _Before anyone else could utter a word, Shredder rose from behind Splinter, picking him up and thrusting his blades into the aged rat's heart and tossing him over the rooftop. A helpless Raph, his brothers and their friends could only look on, sheer disbelief and horror etched on their faces, as Splinter slowly fell to the pavement, before he landed in a crumpled heap, his life source pooling around him. Infuriated, April released her magic powers and sent Shredder crashing into a trash compacter. "Oops," Casey murmered, as he hit the on switch._

 _April and Raphael joined the others and watched, as Don checked his pulse. "He's gone," Don said miserably._

 _"_ _Papa," Mikey wailed, wringing his hands, tears streaming down his cheeks._

 _Raphael hid his face in his hands, as Leo just looked on, too shell shocked to say or do anything. Splinter was gone and Leo was now the clan leader, as well as the father figure. A huge task for anyone to undertake, let alone a teenager._

 _Memories of Splinter hit the brothers like a freight train, as they picked him up and loaded him into the van, ready to take him home, each lost in their own thoughts. As they headed home, Raphael thought, Dad showed the ultimate love, sacrificial love, so we'd be safe, but I feel like a failure. I should have helped him. Now he's gone. How are we ta cope without him? We're all still a bunch of kids. What are we supposed ta do without him?_

BACK IN THE PRESENT: MARCH 26

Raphael awoke with a start at two a.m., sweat beading his forehead. He'd been having the same recurring dream for weeks. Splinter's death. Feeling like a failure for not protecting his dad, even though Mikey had pointed out Raphael had been wounded at the time and couldn't have done anything, but it didn't make him feel any better. How I miss Dad, Raphael thought, kicking the bed sheets off of him. I wish I could hug him one last time and tell him I love him. His green eyes misted over and tears ran down his cheeks as he thought of the last time he and Splinter had spent time alone.

 _The ancient rat had said, "I am proud of you, my son. You are becoming a fine ninja and you are tempering your temper. Maybe it has something to do with young Mona Lisa, huh?"_

 _Raphael nodded, as he patted Chompy, and said, "Yeah. I really love her, Dad, and she loves me."_

 _"_ _I am glad for you, Raphael. It is not easy for one, especially a mutant, to find love. "_

 _"_ _I think she's the one, Dad, and someday, I wanna ask her ta be my mate."_

 _"_ _Do not rush into things, Raphael. You are still very young and your feelings may change in time."_

 _"_ _I doubt it, Dad."_

 _"_ _Heh. I, too, thought so when I was fifteen, but we broke up when we were eighteen. And then I met your mother. Mona Lisa may be the one now, but she may not be the one later, Raphael. You are dismissed and may join your brothers in the lounge. One last thing."_

 _"_ _Yes, Dad?"_

 _"_ _I love you," Splinter said, reaching out his arms. Raphael placed Chompy on the ground, before going to his dad and hugging him tightly._

 _"_ _Love ya too, Dad."_

 _"_ _Now, go, Raphael."_

 _"_ _Hai, Sensei."_

 _Raphael picked up Chompy, went into his bedroom, put on a rap CD and climbed into his hammock, Chompy on his chest. "That Alopex is something, huh, Chompy?" he said. "But she's no Mona Lisa. And Dad's wrong. Mona's the one. I just know she is."_

Back in the present, Raphael checked his phone for any incoming calls or texts he may have missed when he was asleep, but there were was nothing. Mona hadn't contacted him in months. He knew it was hard to send intergalactic mail and she was a busy woman defending her planet, but surely she could make time for me, he thought. I love her and I thought she loved me. Knowing he couldn't get back to sleep, Raphael dressed and went into the kitchen.

XXX

Leo was in the kitchen when Raphael arrived, drinking his tea, a distant look on his face. "Hi," Raphael said, placing Chompy down on a chair. He cracked open the beer and downed a third of it, before wiping off the froth from his mouth with the back of his hand.

"You know alcohol's forbidden, Raphael," Leo said crossly.

"Says who?Ya? Ya ain't the boss of me, Leo."

"I'm clan leader, Raphael, so I am."

"Then act like a leader, Leo!" Raphael snarled. "All ya do is meditate and drink tea, while Mikey sits in his room cryin' and Don's in his lab. Ya don't talk ta us. We need ya. I need ya! And ya've done nothin' bout the bastard. He's still walkin' around, breathin'. Karai said he is. Why haven't ya done somethin'?"

"I'm waiting for the right moment, Raphael."

"Right moment?" Raphael sneered, his green eyes blazing. "It's been months, Leo! Maybe ya just don't have the balls ta take him down. Yer weak!"

"How dare you!" Leo shouted, his sapphire eyes stony, as his own temper started to boil. "You know it's not that. Me and the Mutanimals are waiting for the right moment to attack. When his guard's down. Don't you think I want Shredder to suffer as much as you? Splinter was my dad too, Raphael, and I miss him every day! The world's so much greyer without him around and I don't know how to be there for you guys. I don't do emotions, Raphael. I'm the leader."

"No. I think yer a coward," Raphael growled. "I'll avenge Dad's death."

"You'll die. You're not as…."

"As what? As skilled as ya? I could kick yer ass any day, Leo!"

"Want to try now, Raphael? Go on. Beat me and you can be clan leader. Let's see how you like the responsibility!" Leo roared. "You think it's easy? Because it's not!"

"I'd a better leader than ya. I'd kill the Shredder and I'd be there for my bros, instead of bein' emotionally unavailable."

"Fuck you, Raphael!" Leo snapped, balling his hands into fists. "I'm done. Consider yourself the leader. I'm out of here."

"Good. We don't need ya," Raphael yelled, determined to have the last word. When he was sure Leo had left, Raphael grabbed Chompy and stormed out of the lair, needing space to cool down.

Mikey entered the kitchen, flanked by Don. "The same fight they've had for months," Mikey said dejectedly. "Think they're gone for good this time, Don?"

"No, they'll be back, Mikey."

"Do you think our family will ever become whole again, Don?" Mikey asked hopefully. "We need Leo and Raph and they need us."

"I honestly don't know, Mikey, but I hope so. Come sleep with me tonight. I could use the company."

"I miss Papa."

"I do too, Mikey, but just know you have me and I'm not going anywhere," Don said, and led his brother to his room.

XXX

Seething with rage, Raphael found his favorite roof top and sat down, swinging his legs over the edge, Chompy on his lap. Glancing out at the city below, he said, "Chompy, all me and Leo do is fight. What kinda life is that? I hate it. I want my big bro back. I want the family back as it was. Us trainin', havin' fun. Dad. Things ain't the same no more." Raphael wiped tears from his face and said, "It sucks and there's no one I can talk ta. Not even Mona and it's my birthday in a couple of days. My fifteenth. I know it don't matter, but it'd be nice if someone would remember it. No one will. They're too wrapped up in their own misery. Fuck!" An anguished howl escaped his throat and he said, "Fuck. What's the point of livin?" Ain't like no one cares!" Chompy nuzzled against his plastron and plastering a small smile on his face, Raphael said, "Ya do. I know ya do, Chompy, but it'd be nice havin' someone ta hug, and who can talk back ta me. I feel so alone and unloved. There. I said it. I'm lonely, Chompy."

"Hello, Raphael," a female voice said.

Raphael glanced up and saw Alopex. "Ya spyin' on me?" he demanded.

"No. I couldn't sleep and went out for a walk. You okay?" she asked, concern in her amber eyes.

"Fine."

"That's good. Can I sit next to you?"

"Free country," Raphael said casually.

Alopex sat down and said, "I saw you with your brothers and I'm sorry, Raphael."

"Thanks."

"Want to talk about it?"

"No."

"I understand. You're not one to discuss feelings, but the offer stands."

"Why do ya care how I feel anyway? We don't even know one another."

"I sensed something when we first met. Something special about you. You're different from your brothers. Do you remember, turtle boy, how our eyes locked onto one another's? We had an instant connection. I think we're both loners and could be good friends."

"So we did, but I ain't available. I got a girlfriend."

"Then why isn't she here with you?" Alopex asked, patting Chompy, who nuzzled into her touch. "Sweet guy."

"She has obligations. Not like that's yer business. Leave him alone. He's my pal!" Raphael said possessively.

"Fine," Alopex said, withdrawing her hand. "And you're right. It's none of my business, but if she loved you, Raphael, she'd be here for you. And I'm not trying to hit on you. Just trying to be a friend. I sense we both need one."

"I don't need anythin'," Raphael retorted. "I can take care of myself."

"How old are you, Raphael?"

"Fourteen. Why?"

"I turned sixteen last month."

"Nice."

"And I'm all alone. I have no family other than Tiger Claw and he hates me, so I understand how you feel."

"No, ya don't. Ya know nothin' how I feel and who cares 'bout Tiger Claw? He's a psycho and dishonorable anyway tryin' ta attack ya from behind! He deserved ta have his arm chopped off. He can't clap no more! What's next if he pisses ya off? His head?"

"I hope it doesn't come to that. I didn't enjoy hacking off his arm, but he left me no choice. Still, he was, is family. I'm lonely, Raphael, and I sense you are too. You have your pet, but your brothers? How are they dealing with things?"

"How do I know if I talk ta ya, ya won't sell me down the tube? Ya could even be workin' for Shredder?"

"I had an offer to work with him, but I refused. I'm a loner, like you, Raphael, and I also need a friend, so why would I betray the only person, who may become one?" Alopex asked, placing her hand on his heart. "I sense we are a lot alike. We could be good for one another, Raphael. Help one another emotionally."

Raphael stared into her amber eyes and sensed she was being sincere. He could always tell a bullshitter. Heaving a deep sigh and stretching out a hand, he said, "This stays here. Deal?"

"Deal," Alopex said, shaking it.

"My brothers are so wrapped up in their own misery, we don't talk and when we do, me and Leo fight. He's like a piece of rock, so emotionless, so not there, it's scary. We need him. I need him and he's just not there, but physically he is. Ya understand? I talk ta Chompy. He's all I got. Mona, my girlfriend, hasn't answered me in months. I've sent her billions of texts and called, but nothin'. I don't get it. What did I do wrong? Why hasn't she been there for me when I need her?" Raphael asked, choking back a sob. "Shit. She betrayed us once and I forgave her, but this….She must know I've been tryin' ta contact her."

"I'm sure she knows, Raphael, but maybe this is her way of saying she wants out."

"But what did I do wrong?"

"It's not you, Raphael. I'm sure you're a lovely boy, but maybe you two aren't suited. Mona feels it and isn't woman enough to tell you. I think it's cruel, because you deserve to know why, but sometimes, Raphael, we don't get what we want. It's just best to let things be and move on."

"I loved her, Alopex. Truly. Madly and all of that shit. She was my first love."

"First crushes can be hard," Alopex said, looking distant. "I had a boyfriend too."

"And?"

"He was killed in battle. Noble warrior called Killian."

"I'm sorry."

"It's all right. I think about him a lot and I miss him, but I know he wouldn't want me to wallow in my grief. He'd want me to move on and live my life, which I'm doing. I think Mona wants you to do the same thing."

"Oh, be real! Who'd want me? She was my only shot at love, ya know."

"Maybe not, Raphael," Alopex said with a smile, placing her hand on Raphael's plastron, and sending a shiver down his spine. "Life's unpredictable and you're still young. You need to open your heart to new opportunities that may arise, including a new romance when you're ready."

"Like ya, ya mean and shouldn't ya be open too?"

"I didn't say me, and no. I'm not looking for a romance. Just friendship."

"Yeah. Anyway, I'm lonely as hell, Alopex. I miss my bros and wish things were like they used ta be. Leo…I wish… He's just a huge jerk, thinkin' he can boss everyone around now he's in charge."

"Leo's what, sixteen? Being that young and in charge must be tough. I bet he's scared, Raphael. This can't be easy. Think about it. Looking after three younger brothers as well as yourself is no mean feat."

"Yeah, I guess. Hadn't thought 'bout it," Raphael said sheepishly.

Alopex removed her hand and said, "You feel, but so do your brothers. They're hurting too. You aren't the only one, who lost their dad."

"I guess. I also feel like a failure. I was injured and couldn't help Dad when the Shredder attacked him, but I feel like…I should have… That I wasn't a good son after all he did for us," Raphael sobbed.

Alopex pulled him close, stroking his shell reassuringly, and when they'd pulled apart, she gently thumbed away his tears and said, "Raphael, you were a good son and I have no doubt your Dad loved-loves you and is watching over you. Don't blame yourself. There was nothing you could have done in your condition. Splinter wouldn't want you to blame yourself and would want you to live your life and be happy. Do that for him. Honor him. Cherish his memory, but do not give up on life."

"Yeah, but how can I be happy and move on with all this sadness inside of me, Alopex?"

"You can write about it."

"That ain't me and what do I do 'bout Mona?" Raphael asked, slumping his shoulders.

"Mona is your call. Personally, I'd leave her alone. The non-contact says volumes about what she wants. If she really cared, she'd make an effort no matter what's going on. I need to go."

"Will I see ya again?" Raphael asked, to his and her immense surprise.

"Of course. We're friends," Alopex said, digging into her duffel bag and retrieving a piece of paper. She wrote something on it and handed it to him. "My number. Call me if you want to talk."

"Thanks, Alopex."

"Don't mention it, Raphael."

"Raph, if we're gonna be friends."

"Alo. I'll see you," Alopex said and planted a quick peck on Raphael's cheek, causing him to blush. "Take care, Raphael, and try and talk to Leo and your other brothers."

Raphael tucked the phone number into his obi and said, "So, what do ya think, Chompy? Think she can be trusted? Nod if ya think so." Chompy nodded his head and Raphael said, "What do ya know? Yer just a dino turtle and don't know 'bout life."

Dawn breaking, Raphael quickly made his way home and climbed into his hammock. Reaching for his phone, he typed a message. "Mona, I'm done. Ya know how much I needed ya, especially after Dad died, but ya didn't and don't give a fuck. I ain't gonna crawl no more. I got somethin' better. Someone. Her name's Alopex. She's real nice and funny and fuckin' sexy, really loves me and I love her, so ya can fuck off. R."

"That's tellin' her, huh, Chompy?" Raphael said, stroking his pet, which was on his plastron. Chompy nodded. "We don't need Mona. We'll be okay." Raphael typed another text. "Don't know why I'm sendin' this. Ya could be trouble."

"So could you be, Raphael," was the reply.

"How'd ya know this was me?"

"You're the only one, who has my number."

"Wow. That's special. I'm yer only friend. Ya don't let people in."

"Nope. Don't trust easily and I sense you don't either."

"Got that right. Anyway, thanks for earlier. Helped ta talk a bit."

"Sure."

"Hey, ya busy tomorrow night? Wanna hang out?"

"Love to, my friend, and Raph, you can call and text me any time."

"Ditto. Hey, I took yer advice 'bout Mona and told her I'm done."

"That's good, Raphael. I'm glad she's out of your life. You deserve better."

"Yeah. Anyway, night. See ya tomorrow."

"Night, Raphael. Sweet dreams."

Raphael lay back in his hammock, absent mindedly patting Chompy and said, "So ya like Alopex, Chompy?" His pet nodded and Raphael said, "Yeah, she's sweet. It's nice ta know I have a friend. Fuck Mona. No matter what, I ain't crawlin' back ta her."

His heart feeling a bit lighter, Raphael closed his eyes and had the best sleep he'd had in months.

 **A/N Ever since I saw the Tale of Tiger Claw, I've been itching to write an Alopex/Raph romance. Love her and her fiery nature. In the comics, Raph admits he loves her, so they are going to get together romantically. Yay. They're so adorable together! And I'm hoping that happens in the 2012 series.**


	2. Raphael's heartache

The next morning, March 27, Leo woke up at six a.m., and packed a duffel bag, containing money, some clothes and his favourite possessions: a well-read book on Martial Arts, which Splinter had given him on his eighth Birthday, which had belonged to his grandfather and photos of his brothers with Splinter. It was all he needed. He sighed sadly, and thought, today's the day I leave this all behind them. My brothers. Raph. I suck as a leader and father figure and Raph once again informed me that I do. He's right. I've failed Dad. I can't cope and it's best I leave. Let Raph be leader and see how he copes. I've tried, but I don't do feelings, like Mikey and Donnie. It was never me. I was the leader. Not the emotional one. I come off as cold and aloof, but I'm not. I'm also dealing with Dad's death and grieving, but I don't know how to show it. Raph doesn't understand or maybe he does and just doesn't want to understand. Whatever. I'm out of here.

Leo grabbed his duffel bag, took one last look around his room and headed for the lair's exit, colliding with his emerald skinned brother, who was coming out of his own room, Chompy in his arms. 'Goin' somewhere, Leo?" Raphael asked.

"Out."

"Where?"

"You got your wish, Raphael. I'm leaving," Leo said coolly.

"Good," Raphael said, placing Chompy on the ground and crossing his arms. "We don't need ya and will get along fine without ya."

"So will I. Goodbye, Raphael."

"Yer a jackass, Leo. I just want ya ta know and I'm fuckin' glad yer goin'. 'Bout time. Ya should have left when Dad died. Not like ya've helped us or anythin'! Ya've only thought of yerself. Dad should have put me in charge from the start. I'd have done a fuckin' much better job than ya."

"You really want to know where I'm going?" Leo said, a cruel smile upon his face, knowing the next words he uttered would shatter his brother's heart. Raphael deserved to be put in his place. He was way too arrogant for his own good. "Salamandria."

Hurt and betrayal registered upon Raphael's face and his eyes blazed, as he hissed, balling his hands into fists. "Ya been bangin' Mona behind my back?"

"That's right. Me and Mona are in love and she's expecting, Raphael. My babies. She's about two months along and I'm going to meet her."

"Ya fuckin' bastard!" Raphael growled, smashing his fist into Leo's jaw, causing him to wince. "Ya knew I fuckin' loved her. How could ya do that ta me, Leo? Yer own brother! How? Why? Fuck ya. Fuck her. I'm gonna…."Raphael held a hand to his broken heart, feeling like he'd been kicked in the gut, and collapsed to the ground, sobbing like a baby. "Why, Leo? Why'd ya do that ta me, Leo? What did I do ta ya ta make ya do that?"

"It's not you. Me and Mona just fell in love," Leo said with a shrug. "We didn't mean to upset anyone. Get up, Raphael, and stop being so dramatic. You're young and will meet someone else."

Green eyes gleaming dangerously, Raphael leapt to his feet and lunged at his brother, knocking him to the ground, pinning his arms behind his shell with one hand, whilst pummelling him with the other, landing blow after blow, blood trickling down Leo's chin. Raphael wondered if he'd broken bones, but he didn't care. Leo tried to move, but Raphael was too strong and kept hitting him.

Leo finally managed to move and the brothers rolled, shouting, crashing into furniture, each trying to come out top, trading blows until Raphael was top again. He glared down at his traitorous brother and wrapped his hands around Leo's neck, squeezing. His anger, grief and sorrow boiling over, unable to stop himself! Leo grappled, but Raphael's grip was too strong. Leo's eyes widened and his face began to turn blue, as he was slowly starved of oxygen.

Alarmed by the noises, Don and Mikey ran into the lounge and yanked Raphael off of Leo. Gasping for air, Leo rubbed his bruised neck. A minute more and he'd have been a goner.

"What the hell, Raph?" Mikey asked. "What's going on?"

"Ask that fuckin' bastard!" Raphael snarled, baring his teeth, his shoulders shaking with rage. "Ask him what he did."

"Leo?" Don said.

"It's…"Leo said, staggering to his feet and picking up the duffel bag that had fallen. "I'm leaving. I'll let Raphael tell you why. He's your new leader. I'm done."

Leo bolted out of the lair without a backward glance.

"So, what happened, Raph?" Don asked, looking at his still incensed brother, who was inspecting a bruised knuckle.

"I don't wanna talk 'bout it!" Raphael yelled, kicking over a coffee table and making his brothers jump. "Leave me the fuck alone," Raphael added, picking up Chompy, storming to his bedroom and slamming the door so hard, it nearly came off of its hinges.

"Is Leo really gone?" Mikey asked forlornly.

"I think so, Mikey," Don said, wrapping an arm around him.

"Is Raph going to leave?"

"I don't know, Mikey. I hope not."

"I miss Papa," Mikey wailed, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Miss how life used to be. Leo's gone, Raph's so angry. How are we supposed to cope, Donnie?"

"You have me, Mikey, and I'll never leave you. We'll get through this. I promise," Don said and led him into the lab.

XXX

Inside Raphael's bedroom, Chompy watched him from the dresser, as Raphael smashed everything he could, starting with the framed photo he had of Mona and himself on his bedside table, the glass shattering into a million pieces, just like his heart. The photo was of them smiling, his arms around her, him gazing tenderly into her eyes, completely bowled over. Was it just a lie, Raphael wondered? Did she ever love me or was it just an act? Images of Mona Lisa and Leo making love flashed through his mind and his rage continued to boil, as he lashed out at everything, knocking over his couch and bed, sending them crashing to the ground. Opening his cupboard, he tossed the presents Mona had given him onto the floor: a red kimono, a new sai, more photos, photo albums he'd made of them, the clothing he'd worn on their last date that still smelled vaguely of her. Raphael opened his dresser and tossed out more photos, a watch she'd given him, a ruby heart shaped pendant containing her photo, a small teddy bear she'd given him for Valentine's Day the previous year. Valentine's Day. What a fuckin' load of shit that is, Raphael thought bitterly. I loved her, gave my all and she played me. She and Leo! Fuck them.

Raphael turned to his book case, kicking it to the ground, the books flying. He randomly picked up a book 'Learning Tai Chi,' that Leo had given him for his previous birthday. Snorting in disgust, Raphael threw it across the room. Panting, and not feeling one iota better, he thought about the cheating pair and dialled Mona's number. "Ya fuckin' bitch. Have ya no shame? Cheatin' is bad enough, but with Leo, my fuckin' brother! How could ya do that ta me? If ya were miserable, ya could have said somethin'. Ya didn't have ta cheat."

"Raphael," Mona began.

"Oh. Now ya reply, ya fuckin' tramp. I loved ya, gave ya everythin' I could, opened my heart. Why wasn't it enough? What makes Leo so fuckin' special? And ya fucked him. What happened ta the 'I wanna wait, Raphael?' Was everythin' between us a lie? When did ya stop bein' in love with me? I wanna know. I deserve ta know. When did ya start fuckin' him?"

"I thought I was in love with you, Raphael, but over time, I realized it was just feelings of friendship and then one night, after you went to bed early, Leo and I got talking and we just clicked. One thing led to another and I found myself falling for him. He said he felt the same way. I never….We kept it discreet and I hoped my lack of response to your communication would send the message I wasn't interested and you'd back off. I should have been honest. Both Leo and I should have been."

"So it was just all a lie. Everythin'. The kisses, the hugs, the tellin' me ya love me and wanna be together forever."

Mona sighed and said, "It was me trying to make it work, Raphael. I'm sorry you found out this way. Leo told me what happened."

"Were ya ever gonna tell me?"

"No."

"So Leo was just gonna disappear without a word? How fuckin' cowardly!"

"Yes. It'd have been better that way, considering your reaction now."

"My reaction?" Raphael shouted. "How the fuck do ya expect me ta react, Mona? Ya've been fuckin; my bro behind my back, ya were never in love with me and I wasted my fuckin' time. Do ya expect me ta be happy that my girl is a fuckin' whore?"

"I'm no whore, Raphael," Mona Lisa said coldly. "I just fell in love and Leonardo's the only one I have ever been with."

"With yer boyfriend's brother!"

"The heart wants what the hearts wants, Raphael. I'm sorry you were hurt, but I do not regret Leonardo. I love him. We first had sex ten months ago. Most recently, three weeks ago. I came to earth for a week and we met at a secret hideaway. We're madly in love, Raphael. I hope you find…."

"I'll call ya whatever I want. Yer a whore, a slut, a bitch. Can't believe I ever fell for ya. Leo's a fuckin' bastard. Ya deserve one another. Tell Leonardo I'll never fuckin' forgive him and I won't forgive ya either! I hate ya."

The line went dead and Raphael clutched the phone to his chest, tears running down his cheeks. Mona never loved me, he thought. It was all an act. She loved Leonardo and didn't have the guts ta tell me. Fuckin' bitch. Yet, I still love her so much. Oh, I wanna call her back, tell her I'm sorry, I wanna try, that I'm better than Leonardo, make her love me. I feel like shit. I wanna die. Mona, I love ya so much. Fuck. I can't live no more. Hurts too much. This pain inside. Dad, Mona. My Mona…Leonardo. Gonna end things now. Can't go on. Mona.

His phone shrilled. Raphael's heart soared, thinking it was Mona. "Hi?" he said. "Mona?"

"Alopex, Raphael."

"Oh," Raphael said, failing to hide the disappointment in his voice.

"You okay, Raphael? I take it Mona's been in contact."

"What do ya want, Alopex?"

Alopex didn't press the issue and said, "I wanted to tell you that there's a been a change of plans. I'm leaving. Tonight."

"Why?"

"I'm a drifter, Raphael. Always have been. Can't stay in one place for too long. Get restless."

"Can I come and say goodbye?"

"I hate goodbyes, Raph."

"Me too, but we're friends. Ya should have a friend wavin' ya off, ya know."

"All right. Meet me on our roof top at nine p.m."

"Got it."

After hanging up, Raphael surveyed the wreckage in his room and thought, fuck this. I can't take livin' here any more. The memories, the fightin'. Mona was here too. She kissed me in this room on my bed. We nearly fucked, but she told me she wanted ta wait. Fuckin' lie. She just didn't wanna fuck me. I gotta leave. I'm goin' crazy. Donnie and Mikey will be okay. Raphael packed a duffel bag, containing money, clothes, photos of his brothers and Splinter and a stuffed toy turtle Splinter had given him for his first birthday. Then, he scribbled a quick note. "Dear Mikey and Donnie. I can't handle life here no more. I gotta split. The memories , the angst and grief are killin' me. Please don't be mad, bros. It's not because I don't love ya. I do so much, but I gotta do this. Find myself, heal, be alone. Leo's in Salamandria if ya wanna contact him. He and Mona are fuckin'. Wanna know more, ask him. Anyway, Mikey, I'll miss ya, goofball, and ya too, brainiac. Look after one another. Love ya, Raph."

Raphael sealed the letter into an envelope, grabbed his bag and Chompy and left his room. He placed the letter on the kitchen table and headed out of the lair to his secret hideaway, an abandoned warehouse topside. Curling up onto the mattress, Raphael fell asleep, Chompy nuzzled against his plastron.

XXX

At eight forty p.m., Raphael made his way to the roof top. He was early, but Alopex was too. "Hi," he said.

"Hey. Why do you have a duffel bag? Hi, turtle," Alopex said, looking at Chompy in Raphael's arms.

"Left home, Alopex, and his name's Chompy Picasso, but Chompy for short."

"But your brothers? Aw. Chompy is too precious," Alopex said, patting his head.

"They can look after themselves and don't need me."

"You're…"

"I wanna go with ya. It ain't safe yer bein' on yer own. I can help protect ya. I'm strong and tough."

"I can defend myself, Raphael."

"I'm…." A sob escaped Raphael's throat and he said in a broken voice, "I need ta leave. Goin' nuts at home. Please. Yer my only pal, Alopex, and like ya said, maybe we can help one another. I just don't wanna be alone no more. The memories, everythin' is makin' me crack."

Alopex placed a paw on his shoulder and said softly, "I understand, my friend. You're not alone anymore. Let's go."

"Do ya know where we're going?" Raphael asked, drying his tears with the back of his hand.

"Wherever the wind blows. New Mexico. Maybe Texas. Come, my friend, and Raph, when you're ready, know I'm a good listener."

Raphael followed her, clutching Chompy to his plastron. Leavin' home was hard, but I had ta do it, Raphael thought. Who knows, maybe things will get better? But love? Hah. I'm never gonna love again. Never. It's just fuckin' pointless and only ends in heartache and I'm done with that crap. No, better just ta stay single. Hah. As if anyone else would want me anyhow. I'm a fuckin' freak and a loser. Couldn't even keep my girlfriend happy, so she screwed my brother. I'm just a fuck-up and a failure and that's all I'm ever gonna be.

 **A/N Thanks so much to Christina, Rachael and Wolfjade for your reviews :)**


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